After a meditative moment of gratefulness and peace, I felt pulled by shouts of joy toward a children’s playground sculpture in the park. Kids were having a great time experiencing the freedom of movement exhilarated by others like them expressing themselves with passion.

It was clear that boys and girls had a different way of expressing their joy of life. Most boys were playing daring games such as crawling on rocks and looking around to see if someone was admiring them. As though further energized by people like me looking at them, they kept climbing and jumping even faster, taking less and less time to secure their footing well before taking the next step. Parents were split between being worried and proud. Being admired taking risks seemed to tuned the kids on. Perhaps taking risks is a masculine quality… But then I saw a girl who seemed to outdo most boys. That was impressive. However most girls were playing on the ground enjoying sharing their toys with others and pushing each other on the swings.

I tried to analyze why it was so. Was the diversity in play because of socialization? Instead of answering my question, I decided to enjoy the diversity and the genuine pleasure experienced by the boys and girls playing and also by the men and women who were present there to create safety for them.

Would our sexual life be more spontaneous and exciting if we gave up the analyzing and trying to make sense of how nature wants to express itself through us?

I feel grateful to be alive and decided to play a little more freely myself.

Some wise person said: “If you are not on the edge you’re taking up too much space. “

How are you playing in your life? Are you allowing yourself to take some risks by pushing your boundaries of safety without falling off the rocks?

Photo: Encounter on a Net, by Diana Blackwell, Flikr.com

Tantra is based on such caring and respect for your partner. Here are some good tips:

1. Make sure you have your partner’s attention without demanding that they stop what they are doing to listen to you, unless it’s an emergency. If one of you is busy when you want to talk, set up a time when you both can pay attention to each other.
2. Tune into your own truth by taking a couple of Ocean Breaths to connect with your love for them. Intend to create more understanding and harmony. Remember this is your truth and might not be “the truth” for your partner.
3. Clear your mind of judging thoughts such as, “Here she/he goes again…” or “I’m going to show her/him that I’m right “. Communication is not a tug of war. To prove that you are right does not create more harmony or passion. Quite the opposite. Understanding and connection do.
4. Really listen. We have two ears and one mouth, so listen at least twice as much as you speak. Listen attentively even if you think you ‘know’ what they are going to say. You might here a nuance that has always escaped you before, and this time that might make all the difference in how this talk goes.
5. Pay attention to your body language, especially face expression, eye movements (rolling your eyes) and tone of voice. Body language makes up about 65% of communication. When your intention is love, the body is going to be relaxed and your voice full and warm. If your intention is to ‘be right’ or ’show them,’ it will automatically show through your body language.

If you are not used to thinking about your body and your attitude as you are speaking, all these steps might seem overwhelming. Start with one or two the next time you talk with your lover.

Afterwards, be sure that you take a moment for yourself, and think about how using these simple steps changed your experience of the encounter and its outcome. Then, try to work in more of the steps the next time. You will see the difference - and your partner will feel the difference in your attention and your energy.

By the way, if you have never heard of the TED Conference, it is an annual gathering where speakers are invited to present for less than 20 minutes on their discoveries, thoughts, and art.  It is a gathering of the most remarkable thinkers, artists, and scientists on the planet.  And all the presentations are available online at the website.  Go visit!  You will be amazed, entertained, and uplifted.

Ciao,
Carla

Ladies, perhaps you realize that you are feeling less beautiful, less desirable, more taken for granted. . . I know many of us feel this way at one time or another.

When your man is in love with you at the beginning of your relationship he sprinkles, “you are beautiful,” “I love you so much,” “you are important to me” in so much of what he says to you. . .

Now you might have to wait for a special occasion or perhaps a new sexy outfit for him to notice how beautiful you are. His feelings haven’t changed; he has just forgotten the need to share them with you.

Men, are you taking the time to make sure your woman hears that she is important and beautiful and sexy to you?

Perhaps there is also another way you can give attention to her?

Saying “you are beautiful” can get boring or lost its meaning, and a general comment never has the same power as when you compliment her on a specific trait. Perhaps instead you could notice her expression and comment on it. You can tell her exactly what about her body attracts you most. Perhaps you may also notice some of the loving things she says or does, and acknowledge them with some attention – and even a kiss, or a touch . . .

This Valentine’s Day, and all through the month, use your imagination to communicate your desire to your woman. You will be surprised how eagerly she reacts to your attention!

When I work with couples who are resistant to healing their relationship and who no longer feel the kind of  sensuality they felt when they met, it is often due to their lack of listening. It’s very common in long-term relationships.

Tantra says that newness is the preferred food for Eros.  Eros dies when habits come in. But when you have been with someone a long time, it’s very easy for both of you to fall into a rut. Your lover gets to know your patterns – what you like, what you don’t like, what you complain about. When your partner hears the beginning of a sentence, they already “know” what you are trying to say; they  stop listening and start replying the usual way, leaving absolutely no space for newness to occur.

You might be in a new space, and trying to bring a new view or approach to this issue, but now your suggestion or insight gets completely ignored and you feel discouraged and “lonely”. In this lonely place, you may stop being open and trusting, and close off to your lover, or you may desperately try to talk anyway to your partner’s deaf ears, hoping in vain that one day he or she will actually listen to you.

Either way you are closing off to Eros.  If you are no longer expressing yourself or are compulsively repeating yourself,  Eros leaves your relationship.

If you are the one no longer listening, you may want to refresh your relationship by becoming curious again, and really listen for what you could say to break the vicious cycle. To do that you need to let go of assumptions. An assumption usually says:  “Why should I listen to this again?  I already know what they are going to say.”  Stop!  You are closing the door for possible newness to come through.  If your lover is really just repeating the same thing and really nothing new comes up, it means they are feeling unheard. So bring some intention to giving them space to feel heard -  you may even try to ask questions to bring out the possible newness of the situation.  Every moment is new if we really look and listen.

This is an important teaching of Tantra:  “When you are in the NOW fully you are in a tantric space.” Some of you may have read the work of Eckhart Tolle – his book “The Power of Now” is reviving this ancient tantric idea in self-growth circles.  (If you haven’t read the book, I highly recommend it. )

Sexual and romantic connection are about energy. Be fully present with your partner and focus your energy into truly listening to them, deeply, with intention and love. You will be surprised how that energy juices up your relationship in every way!

Blessings,
Carla

Photo by Renee Barron, Flikr.com

“Sex can be a time of total dissolution in love. Sex can bathe every cell in your body with light, bliss, and life force. Sex can be an ecstatic practice of open-hearted communion and surrender to infinity. Or, sex can be 10 or 20 minutes of genital stimulation ending in a spasm of biological relief.”

~David Deida

I think penis size matters only when your self-esteem is low, when you actually don’t know how to turn your partner on with your personality, and your approach to lovemaking is rigid and fearful, instead of playful and seductive.

When you are concerned with whether she will like your penis, your attention is actually on yourself, and not with her and how she feels. How sexy do you think she finds it when you are pre-occupied and your attention is wandering? Our main sex organ is our brain – and yours isn’t even in the same bed with your partner!

Women are very intuitive, and they perceive your emotions – in this case, your fear that your sex organ is inadequate. As you know, fear is never a turn on. So, being afraid she won’t like your penis, and letting that fear take over your thoughts, you set yourself up to be rejected.

When you know how to pay attention to a women and use your penis well, you will turn her on so much that she can’t wait to feel you inside of her. By this time, her vaginal muscles will be squeezing your penis so strongly, that you will feel your size is more than enough.

I see many women professionally – and many say that men with large penises are lousy lovers. Many of these women prefer a man who knows how to make them feel good with attention, romance, and great foreplay. Perhaps men who are well-endowed think their big penis is enough to make a woman happy and they don’t put much effort in the foreplay, or to engaging her heart. They are making a huge mistake, and their penis size won’t save them.

So yes, sometimes size matters – just maybe not the way you thought!

Introspection is good. We need time to tune into ourselves to see what we are really thinking and feeling because often we decide to quickly put our feelings on hold to handle urgent work. We need to integrate our experiences to really learn from them.

However, sometimes we unconsciously confuse introspection with the avoidance of communicating our inner thoughts and feelings with the person we love. Many times, we may be afraid of how our lover may react to what we need to express.

The other day, I was avoiding seeing a man I love, because I subtly resented him for not calling back as soon as I had expected him to. However, I denied even the slightest thought of my being resentful. I told myself that “I am more enlightened than that. I simply want to be by myself. I need time for me right now.”

Thankfully, I cannot hide the real truth from myself for long. After some thought, I admitted that I was actually upset, because I had interpreted what I labelled his “lack of action” as my not being important enough for him to call back.

I saw the truth within myself, without judging myself – that is forgiving myself for not being perfect. The whole energy behind avoiding communication with him dissolved, and it left me with a fresh view of life.

I simply asked him his reason for calling me back late. He responded without defending himself, because he did not feel attacked, and I learned a wonderful lesson.

You are the only one who knows the difference between honestly needing time alone to refresh yourself, and avoiding communication because you don’t want to confront a difficult topic and risk being misinterpreted or ending up upset.

The key to staying open internally is being open to vulnerability, yet also being strong – knowing that you can trust yourself. Yes, strong enough to face whatever is there in your life, without making drama, as a matter of fact.

Blessings,
Carla

Are you conscious of when you start holding back emotional truths and thus clouding the clarity of consciousness? Clouding the clarity is only the beginning of the damage you do to your relationship. When you hold back your emotional truths, such as fear, jealousies, insecurities, and resentments… you create coolness in your relationship that slowly freezes the love that you have for each other, turning it into an iceberg.

The problem with having this iceberg lurking under the surface of the ocean of love, is that you never know when you are going to hit it and sink the ship. Even such a powerful ship as the Titanic could not survive the hit against the ice block. When you express what you are afraid to express, you melt that iceberg. Yes, you are making yourself vulnerable, but you are ensuring that the formation of an iceberg, the greatest danger to a relationship, does not happen.

We all would like to be perfect, to never make mistakes, to be smart and to make great decisions, to be always completely honest and open… However, sometimes even the best of us fails in some of those areas. When that happens, the tendency is to isolate and hide the imperfections, but in doing so we are starting to close off our heart.

Are you awake enough in that moment of perceived “failure to be perfect” to overcome the instinct to hide it by taking a deep Ocean Breath? Connecting to your core with the Ocean Breath will allow you to remember that now is the best time to reveal “your failure to meet your perfection quotient” to your lover and ask her or him to help you feel love. You could ask your lover to hear you without criticizing you and offer you understanding, reassuring you that you are still loved.

You might end up actually making love. For most of us, it is easier to love a vulnerable flower than a rock.

Have you ever experienced a similar reaction from your lover when you shared your vulnerability?

I would love to hear what your experience is.